I'll Start Writing Again Soon

 "She believed she could, so, she did." - R.S Grey Self-doubt is a bitch. The worst type of bitch, really. Imagine one version of you knowing that you'd be amazing, but this other, much louder version telling you that you can't, screaming all the reasons you'd fail. I'm no expert in diagnosis, but man oh man have I experienced impostor syndrome and self-doubt. It's crippling, honestly.   Anyway, lately, I've been working on making the good bitch louder. Ironically, I call her the Bad Bitch. Life has taken me on some weird turns lately and I've started making decisions, calculated decisions, that scare me. The types that make the Bad Bitch roar. I've had to decide to do things just to make it a point that I could if I wanted to. Good things. Strong things. I can also decide to go back if I wanted to.  It's less about proving a point to the world and more about proving it to myself. Proving that the spirit in me that I let stay quiet, has a v...

I get scared a lot.  I'm never really sure what I'm doing; but I suppose that's normal, right? But no, my fears are crippling, like, my fear scares me.  I like routine and stability and normalcy. I try to be great within the realms of my tested capacity, but if I'm honest, I'm a coward. Or maybe I just feel like one. I say that to say, I did a brave thing recently. I'm taking a step that I always told myself I would, but a voice in me told me I'd never be brave enough to take. I almost didn't, too. I'm petrified, but I'm also proud.  I vouched for myself and for what I wanted. I stood up in a way that I wasn't sure I'd ever know how to. I spoke up, even if it meant that my voice was shaking (Maggie Kuhn). I'm gonna go be brave again soon and I'm gonna be petrified then, too. But I can't afford to not be. I've gotten a taste of this bravery, of this new girl who's decided what she deserves and her determination to get i...